Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Merlin: Alternative Script

This is how Merlin Series 4 should have gone:

Arthur: I tried to use magic to heal my father. He died.

Merlin: It wasn't his fault. Gaius found an enchanted amulet on him that reverses the efforts of magic. The fact that he died so quickly means that the wizard was actually doing a good job. We think Morgana put the amulet on him.

Arthur: Oh. How did Morgana get the amulet on him?

Merlin: We're not sure, but we know for a fact that it doesn't belong to Uther and he wasn't wearing it before. Someone's a rat.

Arthur: Hmmmm.....

Gwen: Arthur, when Merlin came back from his disappearance in the woods, we found a thing in his neck.

Arthur: A what?

Gwen: A magic thing. It seems to be controlling him and turning him homicidal. Perhaps he should be locked up until Gaius can figure out what needs to be done about it.

Arthur: Ok.

Gaius: Now that the creature has been put to sleep, let's discuss this with Merlin.

Merlin: I can go back to Morgana's hut and kill the motherbeast.

Arthur: You know where Morgana's hut is?

Merlin: Yes. She didn't think to knock me out and drag me to the bog herself, she just told me to leave. I remember the route perfectly.

Arthur: Wonderful. I'll come along, too, and run her out of Camelot at the very least.

Gaius: Take a few more knights along just in case Merlin goes bonkers, and it sounds like a good plan.

Arthur: I think so, but I want to know one thing. How did anyone know where we were going to be in order to kidnap Merlin to begin with?

Merlin: I think we have a rat.

Arthur: Hmmmm...

Arthur: Agravaine, now that we've run Morgana out of Camelot, I've been thinking about this whole "rat" thing, and I think it's you.

Agravaine: What? I never!

Arthur: Well, have you any other ideas?

Agravaine: Gaius!

Arthur: Except that I'm pretty sure Gaius wouldn't betray Merlin. Or kill my dad. He's been our one faithful companion since before I was born. As much as I don't want to believe it's you, I'd hate to think it's Gaius even more.

Agravaine: But I would never betray your mother!

Arthur: I didn't even know you existed until you showed up after my dad went looney!

Agravaine: But I wouldn't ever hurt you!

Arthur: Because I have no solid proof, I'll buy your feeble defense for now. But be careful; I'm watching you.

Agravaine: I'll prove it was Gaius!

Merlin: Gwaine, could you please tell me if you know what this is?

Gwaine: It's iron ore. As far as I know, it's only found one place in Camelot. Where did you get it from?

Merlin: Agravaine's boots.

Gwaine: Why are you stealing dirt from Agravaine's boots?

Merlin: I have a hunch that he's framed Gaius and kidnapped him.

Gwaine: That's a pretty serious accusation, my friend.

Merlin: It is serious, but I have good reason to suppose that's the case. Since you've trusted me and supported me wonderfully with everything so far into our friendship, will you help me discover whether this is truly the case? I'd rather not get myself into trouble or damage an innocent man's reputation.

Gwaine: Of course, Merlin. You know I'd do anything for you.

Gwaine: Agravaine! It was you!

Agravaine: No! I followed you here!

Gwaine: ....and got here ahead of us? Right. Just to be safe, I won't kill you, but why don't you go sit in the corner while I help Gaius?

Arthur: Who kidnapped you, Gaius?

Gaius: Agravaine. He wanted to frame me.

Arthur: Are you sure?

Gaius: Yes.

Gwaine: I caught Agravaine trying to kill Gaius before we could rescue him.

Merlin: Plus, I may or may not have seen him visiting Morgana's hut in the wood when I was homicidal.

Arthur: And you didn't tell me?!

Merlin: Well, I was scared of how you would react.

Arthur: You ninny! Nincompoop! Thanks for the heads up!

Merlin: Sorry.

Gaius: No good deed goes unpunished, my lord. Morgana has lost all of her character complexity and is thoroughly bent on revenge. She's come back into Camelot, despite your warning. Somehow, she has an army.

Arthur: Fine, we'll have to kill her this time.

Merlin: Do you think we can hold her off?

Arthur: Her army, yes, no problem. I think a highly trained army in a castle built for sieges can withstand a few motley mercenaries. Now that our rat is gone, no one is leaking sensitive information to her, like the location of the siege tunnels. But Morgana herself has magic and may be hard to kill. It's too bad we don't have anything to personally counter her with.

Merlin: Well, um, *cough*

Arthur: What? What did you say, Merlin?

Merlin: I said, uh, if you did have some magic to counter her with, would you automatically assume that the magician is evil and has it in for you?

Arthur: Well, no.

Merlin: In that case, my king, I present to you, myself.

Arthur: Finally.

Merlin: What?

Arthur: You must really think I'm a blockhead if you believed you were actually fooling me these last three-and-a-half years. How blind do you think I am?

Merlin: Well, um....

Arthur: Can you handle Morgana if my knights fend off her slip-shod army?

Merlin: Yes.

Arthur: Good. In that case, I'm supposed be getting married today. Gwen!

Gwen: I love you, Arthur.

Arthur: I love you, Gwen.

Author's notes: The storyline could have been covered in half the time it actually takes, because certain incidents wouldn't have even happened had the characters (or writers) bothered to think things through.

I mean, I can understand them not wanting to kill Morgana, and according to tradition she does have to live longer than Arthur himself, but they way they neglect to deal with her is just ludicrous.

And Merlin had the nearly perfect segue to discussing his magic with Arthur. I mean, really, what else is he waiting for? The exact line, "Well, Merlin, I really wish one of the two of us had magic right now, preferably you"? Maybe, "Please, Merlin, now would be a wonderful time for you to tell me you've been keeping secrets from me... magical ones"?


"What are you waiting for? Another shade of green? This one isn't good enough for you?" my dad, when we don't notice fast enough that the traffic light has turned green.

1 comment:

Art said...

I don't think Arthur knows Merlin has
magic. Arthur would have Merlin killed if he found out. Too high risk for Merlin to say anything yet. It would have to be a life or death situation where Merlin just does magic and saves Arthur and Arthur sees it but Merlin says nothing and just lets Arthur ponder it.

I agree that some of the stories are quite weak as it makes Gaius and Merlin seem quite stupid for now doing the obvious.