I found it! My closet holds many mysteries, but I wasn't expecting this: several ancient manuscripts of the NTBOH* version of the Book of Hezekiah! In case you aren't aware, Hezekiah is that book of the Bible that everyone quotes but can never find (except for me, that is). Using my special powers of super-glasses and intuitive interpretation, I've written out the translation of some of the more interesting bits.
4. In the fifth year of the reign of Hezekiah, son of Ahaz, when Georgios the servant of the LORD slew the mighty dragon, the land of Judah rejoiced for a prophetical word received for them by their king.
5."Let us gather the people together, that I may tell them the word of the LORD," said Hezekiah, and lo, the people were gathered that he may tell them of his vision.
And when they were gathered, 6. Hezekiah stood on the balcony and addressed the crowd, saying, "I tell you today, take heart! For the LORD has seen your suffering and sends word that it shall pass. 7. Your grief and distress you have caused for yourself will disappear, and your hunger pains shall be no more. 8. Just as your years of slavery in Egypt were numbered, and your days of wandering in the desert were limited, 9. this, too, shall pass. 10. For the LORD is merciful and does not smile upon the hardships of His children. Those who profess belief in Him will live to be as Methusaleh; old and full of days. 11. They will not want for anything, neither food nor song, 12. and shall live in peace and unity with their wives and sons and daughters, even their cattle and oxen and slaves, maidservants, distant acquaintances and the elders of the village. 13. The LORD will shield them from harm, giving them the desires of their hearts, and they shall be happy all their days. 14. Even in the end days, they shall be spared the wrath and tribulation of the LORD. They will sing in green valleys, as the lion will lie down with the lamb."
7. "My people are prone to evil deeds, for in the beginning the devil, who is Lucifer, grew prideful and decided in his mind to make himself God. 8. Though the LORD cast him from heaven, there was a great battle, and Lucifer corrupted one-third of the angels, that is, the demons, and fought the LORD.
9. "The LORD said to him, 'Lucifer, you wicked serpent, your name is now Satan. 10. May you grow the horns of a goat and be banished to the bowels of the earth, lest you again seek to overthrow me and wreak destruction in heaven.'
11. "And so the devil is on earth and always tempts people, enticing them to fall prey to the seven deadly sins, which the LORD hates: gluttony, greed, sloth, lust, vanity, envy, and wrath. 12. It is the devil that tempts you to do these things, for the soul of man is such that it wants to do what is good and right, except when battling the evil one. 13. Do not be timid, for the demons are but dogs to those who are saved, and can do no harm to those who rebuke them. 14. Be confident in yourself, for having prayed the sinner's prayer, you are a child of God, 15. and once you are saved, you are always saved. 16. Fear not the trials of this world, for all those who say the LORD is their Father are saved, 17. even should they continue to stumble and not serve the LORD, as they were sincere when they desired the forgiveness of their sin. 18. For God is a loving God, and does not judge."
14. When the child did not step into the chariot to calm the stallion as the king had asked, Hezekiah addressed the crowd again, saying,
"Thus says the LORD, 'Follow your dreams, and to your own self be true.' 15. For the LORD helps those who help themselves. God cannot steer a parked chariot."
28. All in the land of Judah were glad, for a Messiah had been promised to them. They danced to the sound of the lyre and the tambourine and drank juice made from grapes. Isaiah the prophet approved of this revelry. 29. While he was dancing, he received a word from the LORD, and so looked for Hezekiah to speak it to him.
"Hezekiah," he said, "I have a word from the LORD regarding the Messiah."
30. "Isaiah, prophet of God," Hezekiah replied, "Though you are drunk with grape juice, speak it, for while I have received a word from the LORD myself, it has not been tested as the word which you have received."
31. So Isaiah said, "Thus says the LORD. The Messiah which shall be born to you will have a wife, of the region of Magdala. He shall release her from the grip of demons and then he shall marry her and have children with her, for it is the role of all godly men and women to raise children."
4. Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz was playing in the dirt, making fortresses out of mud. 5. When Isaiah saw his son, he grew angry and picked his son out of the dirt, saying, "Now, my son, you must wash in the river, both your body and your clothes. 6. For you are filthy, and cleanliness is next to godliness."
7. "But father," replied Maher-Shalal-Hash-Baz, "there is a woman with a washtub there at the market. You shall pay her a coin and I will wash there, rather than in the river where it is cold and swift."
8. "When you are a man, you will be destitute, my son, for a fool and his money are soon parted. 9. Why should anyone pay for water, though it is contained in a vessel, when anyone can access it without cost?"
*New Totally Bogus Often Heresy Version
“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” Mark Twain