Friday, 22 January 2010

Drive-Thru 201

Do you ever wonder what the people on the other end of the speakerbox at Tim Hortons are thinking? Do you ever think that they may be rolling their eyes or laughing at you? Do you wish for the experience of ordering your double-double to be as painless as possible? Read on. Take notes. You will be tested at the next drive-thru. (Actually, many of these will be applicable for any drive-thru you visit, not just Timmy's)

1. Don't talk on your cell phone while you're ordering or paying. This applies to people at either the counter or sitting in the drive-thru. It's extremely rude. I don't even bother to repeat the amount due or wish people talking on their cells a good day, because I know they won't hear me or respond. For heaven's sake, put your call on hold for twenty seconds.

2. If you've got a loud engine, we really appreciate when you turn it off while ordering at the drive-thru. If you've got a diesel... please! We're begging you. If we want to blow our ears out, we'll go to a rock concert.

3. To avoid mistakes, don't say "no sugar" or "no cream". Sometimes we don't properly hear the "no" and just hear the "sugar" or "cream", especially if you're in the drive-thru. Just tell us what you do want in the coffee. Anything you don't say, we won't put in. For example, say "large coffee with two creams", not "large coffee with two creams and no sugar." And if you just order a large coffee without specifying what you want, it will be black. Also, please try to distinguish between our "Is that everything for you?" and "Anything else for you today?" As it is, we are forced to judge whether your are finished ordering by the tone of you answer and not by the answer itself.

4. Now technically, we're supposed to give it to you if you ask, but please don't ask for coffee from our "freshest pot". This annoys me to no end. Why should you receive preferential treatment over the rest of our customers? None of our coffee should be older than 20 minutes, anyway.

5. This doesn't really annoy me, just amuses me. To avoid embarrassing yourself, call only coffee with nothing in it black. "Black with two sugars" is not black. And "black with a cream" is definitely not black. The exception is "black with a creamer on the side". Also, state at the beginning, not the end, of the order that you're getting a refill, or else we'll have to delete and retype it.

6. There are no decaf ice cappuccinos at Tim Hortons.

7. If you order a sandwich, hang on a second because we have to clarify what type of bread you want, and whether you want it toasted before we can punch in the rest of your order.

8. Hint from the inside: it's cheaper to buy a "half coffee, half hot chocolate" than a "mocha with no topping", even though they're exactly the same.

9. Occasionally we make mistakes. Please don't bite our heads off about it. We'll fix it for you.

10. Although it may be amiable gesture, if you call us by the names on our name tags, we'll stand there trying to remember your name and face when we have no idea who you are. Once we realize we don't know you, we'll feel creeped out that you were looking at our chests. Only extremely regular customers are exempt, because we do know you.

11. We can hear you through the speakerphone even after you're done ordering. For your own dignity, you may wish to refrain from singing along to the radio, yelling at your kids, or making other unbecoming noises.

Yes, I realize that eleven is a goofy prime number with which to end. Just pretend this is a protest against our culture's clear preference for round numbers.

All the coffee quotes I can find are praising the stuff in the most cheesy and melodramatic way, so, given my dislike of coffee, I won't post any of them. Instead, I'll post this:

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” Miss Piggy


J u s t i n said...

I am just wondering, what would you do if someone ordered food to stay. Because you have people ordering at the drivethrough to go all the time.

CavDawg said...

I have drunk exactly zero cups of coffee in my life, and even I knew what "black" meant. Silly people.

I was always wondering how people reacted to being referred to by the name on their tag, though. Thanks for ending that little mystery.

Kate said...

Thank you for these words of wisdom. I feel very prepared to face the world of Tim's now! : P

art said...

Have you ever had a person in a drive through who asked for a coffee and made it a rush order because they were in a hurry? Maybe I should try that...