Monday, 11 January 2010

Alien Mincemeat

So this is something I wrote a long time ago. And by "long time ago" I mean this pre-dates my blog. But I re-discovered it recently and it made me laugh, so I thought I'd post it, seeing as it's not likely to get published anywhere else.

I'm rather proud that I wrote this before reading Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Also, notice the historical accuracy of naming the police chief Jack Beaton.


The Aliens Visit Stampede or, How Beef Was Introduced to Lambda Scorpii:

Calgary was invaded by aliens. Apparently it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing for the aliens, because they obviously hadn't done much research. First of all, they showed up in winter parkas even though it was the middle of summer. Secondly, they made their appearance during Stampede, so no one paid them any attention. Their third mistake was the cow. They dropped it from their flying ship into the downtown area hoping to win favour, but it landed amidst a display of painted cattle statues, and hence went unnoticed while it stood there chewing its cud. Eventually the heifer sauntered into the middle of the street. People really noticed then. Needless to say, the supposed good will offering was not duly appreciated.

“This invasion is not going as planned,” Sporg, one of the aliens, said while the red-neck owner of the western clothing store he was robbing (they really couldn't stand the winter coats anymore) chased after him with a cattle prod. “I vote we march into the grandstand and strike terror into their hearts with a stupendous show of our superiority.”

The other aliens all agreed, but several problems were present. Security wouldn't let them in without tickets or backstage passes and they didn't have money to buy any (they had forgotten to rob the cash register at the clothing store). They tried to sneak thought some air vents, but Morshblob got claustrophobic so they had to back out.

“This stinks,” Lackishmack said.

“Actually,” Sporg said, “I find it very interesting that no one has attacked us yet.”

Vloof, the brainiac of the bunch, cleared his throat. “No one can tell we're aliens while we're wearing these new stylish cowboy hats and bandanas.” Everyone nodded in awe of Vloof's reasoning.

Morshblob, ever the rash one, cocked his phaser gun. “Let's just blast the security away!” he snarled. “What are we, pansies?”

None of the other three aliens liked being called a pansy, so they agreed to attack, but they each secretly panned to ditch Morshblob and the other two at the last moment and so escape being guilty of shedding any blood.

The four aliens strode up to the main gate of the Stampede grounds and leveled their phasers on the attendant. Take us to your leader,” Sporg commanded.

The man at the booth gave them a passive glance then nodded toward the police chief. Sporg, Morshblob, Lackishmack, and Vloof marched toward the man dressed in blue. “Aha!” Lackishmack laughed to make the chief, who was named Jack Beaton, shake with trepidation in his boots. “We are here to infiltrate your city and to take control of all its people and resources! Be very afraid! Aha aha ahahaha!”

Jack Beaton raised his eyebrows at Lackishmack then shrugged. While Lackishmack was still laughing hysterically, Jack pulled his baton from his belt and smacked the alien over the head. Lackishmack fell over, unconscious, but still with a silly grin on his face.

The other three aliens gasped and pulled their phasers. Just then the red-neck western clothing store owner showed up, still chasing the alien robbers, except this time he had a shotgun instead of a cattle prod. Vloof and Sporg got cold feet, picked up Lackishmack and ran for cover. Morshblob grabbed Jack Beaton and held his phaser to the police chief's head. “Stop or I shoot!” he hollered.

The crowd grew silent. Heads turned to watch him. The red-neck western clothing store owner kept running toward him, so Morshblob shot the police chief. That was their fourth mistake. Jack crumpled to the ground and the crowd gasped. Luckily, Morshblob still had his phaser set to stun, instead of kill, because he had been playing laser tag with Sporg and Lackishmack just earlier that day.The red-neck western clothing store owner rushed Morshblob and started beating him with the butt of his shotgun. Angry Stampeders picked up rocks and candied apples to throw at Morshblob. Deciding to meet up with his friends, Morshblob turned tail and fled. He had difficulty getting through the mob, but managed to push over some garbage cans to trip a bunch of people up. He found Sporg and Vloof and Lackishmack in a bathroom, trying to calm down a hysterical old lady who kept beating them over their heads with her purse.

“OK, you guys, let's thence to the grandstand already!”

The other three eagerly agreed, so they all hurried to the chuckwagon races. Security stopped them again. Turns out they needed tickets to enter that area, as well. “Forget that,” Morshblob said, “Let's just push the guard out of the way.”

“Hey, look!” Sporg said, “It's Little Bessie, the cow we dropped downtown!”

Lackishamck frowned. “How did Little Bessie get over here?” he asked.

Vloof said, “ahem.” The others looked at him. Satisfied that the others were paying attention to him, Vloof continued. “The police chief was called in to move her off the road, then he was called to the Stampede grounds. Therefore, he simply took Little Bessie with him, because he didn't have time to stop at Butterfield acres to drop the cow off.”

“Ahhhh...” they nodded, once again awed by Vloof's genius.

“Moo!” Little Bessie said, happy to see her four alien friends once again. Tail flapping in the wind, Little Bessie excitedly charged toward the aliens in greeting.

“Ack!” Morshblob spluttered as the delighted cow licked his face.

The man at the ticket counter saw the cow and thought that the aliens were competitors in the animal showcase, so he let them in.

“Finally!” Morshblob grinned, clapping his hands together with eager anticipation. “Now for our grand entrance! Just watch! They'll all get down on their hands and knees and beg us to let them live. Then we can turn them into our own personal slaves, and voila! We're kings! Mwah ha ha ha!”

“Aha aha ahahaha!” Lackishmack joined in.

Although the four had some trouble getting their steps all in sync and Little Bessie kept bumping Sporg out of formation with her nose, eventually they were ready for their great debut. Phaser guns in full view, hats removed to show their real identity, the aliens marched into the middle of the stadium.

“Watch out!” Sporg cried. A chuckwagon ran over Lackishmack, and the red-neck western clothing store owner, who had jumped the gate, blew Vloof's phaser out from the alien's hand. Jack Beaton ran up and pepper sprayed Morshblob and Sporg slipped on some horse doo and hit his head against Little Bessie's nose. She mooed loudly and stepped on his stomach. The pumped up crowd began throwing more candy apples.

“I just peed my pants, don't touch me!” Vloof yelled, tears of fear streaming down his face. Everyone stopped in their tracks.

“Head for the hovercraft!” Vloof yelled during the lull in the onslaught. “Regroup! Regroup!”

Morshblob, Sporg, Vloof, and Lackishmack ran pell-mell for the exit, Little Bessie trailing after them. They didn't stop running until they found themselves in the south end of the city on the wrong side of Macleod Trail. Not understanding the way traffic lights work, they made a dash for it and Lackishmack was run over by a horse trailer. Lucky for him, he was a tough guy, and made it alive to the other side.

“OK, I am not doing that again!” he pledged.

Thoroughly stripped of their dignity, the four aliens skulked through the back alleys to keep out of the public eye until they found the quiet spot in Fish Creek Park where they had parked their hovercraft. Some kids had turned it into a playground!

“That's it, kids, game's over,” Morshblob declared as he revved the motor. The kids screamed and ran away.

The aliens took off for home, but unfortunately Morshblob, who was the driver, still couldn't see quite properly because of the pepper spray, so they took a few wrong turns. After several days of flying through space, Sporg wanted to eat Little Bessie, who had climbed aboard with them, but Vloof threatened to tell Sporg's mother about him robbing the clothing outlet if he ate his pet, so Sporg just sat in the corner and sulked. Eventually, they all made it home (they weren't quite sure how) but Morshblob spent many hours in his darkened study planning the second, more researched, attempt to take over Calgary. Finally, he thought he had a plan, so he called up his friends Vloof, Lackishmack, and Sporg. He laughed evilly with confident expectation. “Mwah ha ha ha ha!”

Back on earth, the Stampede continued without a hitch, and the Calgarian people, particularly the red-neck western clothing store owner, danced around celebrating the results of the chuckwagon races, completely unaware that Calgary had ever been invaded by aliens.


As one final note, I must mention that I find cows inherently funny.

Bo Hess (Signs): There's a monster outside my room, can I have a glass of water?


Bri said...

Ah yes... I remember this. =)

art said...

Nice story. I think I remember this story too. You never know, this story could be published. It is better than some of the stuff I have watched on TV.