Friday, 4 April 2008

66 Riveting Calving Stories

Yeah! Happy belated birthday to me! I am getting old - fast. Waaayy too fast.

With my new-found maturity, I thought I would discuss ethics on my blog today. In particular, the ethics of one very important and influential Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

However, while I realize it is high time for me to update this thing, I just handed in my final essay of the semester, and don't feel like writing another one in my free time. Therefore, instead of discussing ethics, I shall present you with a little something I came up with a year or two ago.

My mom began reading James Herriot's All Creatures Great and Small to my siblings and me over the lunch hour. It's a book about a veterinarian and his various experiences with different patients. It's actually a rather entertaining, and occasionally even heartwarming, read. The first chapter Mom read described a cow giving birth. After she finished the chapter, she commented that there were 66 more chapters in the book. My sister then exclaimed "Sixty-six calving stories?!" I thought the idea had some merit, and so whipped up an introduction and a table of contents for such a book, if it were to exist. I don't know if you'll find it very funny, but it amused my strange sense of humour.

P.S. I don't actually like cows. But I do love beef.

Prologue:


4/17/95


Calving. Ah, the joys of bringing new life into our world. I, a renowned veterinarian of cattle, can think of no way I would prefer to spend my afternoon. Whether under a clear, starry sky, or in a warm, cozy barn, the work is exhilarating, and always rewarding. What they say is very true: pick work you love, and you'll never have to work another day of your life.

On the request of M. Bernhard Mugby,I have collected several of my favorite calving experiences and compiled them into one book of short stories. Currently, volume two is in progress. This book is made to introduce you to the wonderful world of calving. Hopefully you shall gain insight into the requirements and also the joys of this oft overlooked profession. Sometimes it can be a thankless profession, but one look into the eyes of the newly born calf, and all animosity evaporates.

You can catch sight of me in the hit Hollywood blockbuster, Makings of the Steakhouse, during the birth scene. Even though I am rarely emotional, I found myself holding back tears during that beautiful clip. Much applause to the editors of the film – I had no idea that the true spirit of calving could be so closely reproduced with a 2D media such as film.

Well, I urge you to sit back with a cup of tea, put your feet up and start reading. Enjoy! You shan't ever forget these 66 Riveting Calving Stories.

Yours truly,
Gordon Noble, author



Table of Contents:

#1: A Joyous Occasion:
My first cow..............................................1

#2: Exile:
The time the mayor's cow died............................6

#3: First Taste of Adventure:
The time my arm got stuck................................11

#4: Bitsy Bessie:
The cow that took nine hours.............................16

#5: Crazy Maisey:
The mad cow..............................................25

#6: Always Worthwhile:
The cow that kissed me...................................28

#7: A Minor Setback:
The fat cow that fell on me..............................32

#8: “Moo”ve it:
The cow that refused to step away from the wall..........36

#9: A Cow's Choreography:
The cow that couldn't stand still........................41

#10: A Job Well Done:
A perfect delivery.......................................50

#11: A Small Insult:
The cow that wouldn't let me help........................55

#12: Strange Coincidence:
The owners that wouldn't let me help.....................59

#13: Angel of Light:
The time I met my fiancée................................63

#14: Stampede!:
The cow that upset the whole herd........................70

#15: Ambulances Arrive:
The time two skittish girls were watching................74

#16: Test of the Will:
The cow with indigestion.................................79

#17: Shish:
When I was skewered......................................84

#18: Kabob:
When I was skewered again at the same farm...............92

#19: A Winner:
The second perfect delivery.............................100

#20: “Cow”ward:
When the cow's owner fainted............................107

#21: Quality Beef:
The cow from Canada.....................................112

#22: Problematic:
The time I almost let the mobster's cow die.............118

#23: A “Cow”tatonic State:
When the cow dragged me into the frozen river...........123

#24: Hollywood Breakthrough:
The time they filmed the delivery.......................129

#25: A Four-Stomached Ache:
The cow that ate my equipment ..........................138

#26: Seeing Double:
The two headed calf.....................................144

#27: Beautiful Baritone:
The cow that mooed the entire time......................150

#28: No Leprechauns Needed:
The golden cow..........................................153

#29: “Cow”trageous:
The calf that bit me....................................157

#30: A Little Extra Mess:
The cow that was allergic to me.........................162

#31: Crunch:
The cow with weak knees.................................171

#32: Workaholic:
The time I did three cows at once.......................177

#33: Unfortunate Dissection:
My only embryotomy......................................180

#34: Extra! Extra!:
The calf that came out backwards........................189

#35: Head for the Hills:
When the cow's owner thought I was a bandit.............195

#36: Puzzle to Solve:
The cow that didn't like red or being blindfolded.......200

#37: Winona:
The horse that thought it was a cow.....................208

#38: Welcome Jack... and Jill:
The cow that had twins..................................215

#39: Alien Visitation?:
When I panicked and pushed the calf back in.............221

#40: Little Scrawny:
The cow that was out of season..........................226

#41: Petunia:
The cow that thought it was a horse.....................232

#42: Scaredy Cow:
The cow that kept frightening itself....................240

#43: The Disgruntled Mother Cow:
When the entire town was watching.......................243

#44: An Introduction to Human Doctoring:
The cow with the protective half-brother bull...........249

#45: “Cow”-tow:
The cow from Mongolia...................................256

#46: A Slight Misunderstanding:
The time there was no cow and I was kidnapped...........259

#47: Run of the Cow:
The cow from Spain......................................266

#48: Another Minor Setback:
The time my arm got stuck (again).......................274

#49: Meanie:
The cow that sat on my arm..............................279

#50: The Bride Price Rises:
The time my fiancée's father's cow died.................283

#51: Taste for Cattle Feed:
The cow that kicked me into a manger....................295

#52: Temporary “Moo”ther:
The calf that thought I was his mother..................302

#53: There was No Calf:
The cow with gas........................................307

#54: A Very Bad Idea:
The delivery on a moving train..........................314

#55: Fire!:
The cow that kicked the lantern over....................320

#56: Hefty Heifer:
The cow from Germany....................................326

#57: Sing-a-long:
The cow that liked opera................................330

#58: The Impetuous Pet:
The cow that ran away...................................337

#59: The Importance of a Safe Environment:
The time I fell through the floorboards.................345

#60: Oops:
When the cow up and died................................353

#61: Head for the Hills:
When the owner slipped in the mess......................360

#62: Missing “Moo”la:
The time they didn't pay me.............................365

#63: A Sad End to an Engagement:
The time my fiancée was watching........................371

#64: “Cow”abunga:
The third perfect delivery..............................379

#65: One for the Books:
The first successful cow cesarean section...............385

#66: My Only Failure:
The cow that was really a bull..........................394


***

"Who was the first guy that look at a cow and said, 'I think that I'll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them?'" Bill Watterson

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think it was more like 3 years ago that you wrote those, no?
Anyway...I'd like a copy of Ch. 53 please. :)
Mom

Art said...

I think this book could could outsell the Farmer's Almanac. I have never read calving books and I have never read the Farmer's Almanac but if I had to choose, I am sure I would go with the cows. It was entertaining.